Yoganga ashram

27/10/06

Yoganga Ashram

I have been in an ashram near Haridwar for a few days now (http://www.yoganga.org/) We do yoga, learn Hindi, philosophy, karma yoga (doing work/service with devotion) and have puja (ceremony with chanting). The Ganges are at the end of the garden so it's good to have a swim - the current is quite strong so swimming against it you can just keep still! There are sadhu's (wandering holy men) everywhere, they only have their orange robes and sleep under the stars - the ashrams give them some food. They are mostly quite old - when their families no longer rely on them to work they go off on their spiritual journey so as not to be a burden and also to ensure they get a good rebirth before they die - a wonderful tradition!
















I haven't written since I arrived as I felt I needed to wait for some 'special' insight. And I don't feel any arising. But of course that may be because I have expectation.... I'm trying to move into the moment, but find my mind often wanders to where I'll go next, or further still what I'll do when I leave India. I decided I have two choices. I must make a real go at facilitating workshops and retreats for 'hypnotic meditation' (see my website http://www.changeinmind.com/) or if I am not ready or the circumstances are wrong I will ordain probably as a Thai monk (either in Thailand http://www.watpahnanachat.org/ or in the UK http://www.amaravati.org/) . I either need to share my spiritual insights, or further my spiritual practice.

I've been reading Tenzin Palmo's 'Cave In the Snow'. It is a fantastic read, really inspiring. She persevered against all odds to be a female Tibetan nun. It has really helped me to find more determination to meditate a little more.

Walking in the forest by the Ganges this morning I saw the need to heed my own advice and be gentler on myself in order to really integrate the insight that the only true way to help others is to be present and resist planning too much how that will be. Of course I knew this already but somehow it needs to sink deeper again to be integrated fully. Not easy. Especially when 'ego' gets in and wants to claim fame as a great 'Guru' through helping other with the wisdom.

SOME PONDERINGS/ INSIGHTS/ SPIRITUAL THOUGHTS

Sitting with my feet in the Ganges

Trickling and bubbling the river flows
Birds chirp as they swoop in the sky
The heat of the sun
The majesty of the mountains
Men in orange bathe their souls
Nature speaks of silence
A help to unclutter the mind.


Mantra's to help when meditating

For adversity (to pain etc)
The present moment couldn't be any different

For regret
I love myself unconditionally and spread love and acceptance into my whole experience

For fantasising/planning
Death could strike at any moment - wake up to this experience now!

To focus (to create freshness through inquiry)
Who am I? What is this? Why is this? Where is this experience?

For letting go and restoring 'right effort'
I submit to God, I surrender my problems and reside in the present


Dealing with craving and aversion

Earlier I was walking on the roof and an urge to go buy some Indian sweets arose. I started to do a walking meditation and moved awareness into the feeling, mind state and restless energy. It was hard to locate... and soon it passed.

When meditating today there was some distracting noise and cluttering around. I moved my awareness from the breath to the sounds. How they kept me in the moment! From aversion (or irritability - a big obstacle for me) I moved towards clarity and peace.


Monkey Dream

In my sleep I dreamt that I was in nature and some monkeys started to appear. More and more...

We drove away to go home and noticed that some were entering the town. In the house I locked the doors and windows as monkeys began crowding everywhere.

Suddenly there was a monkey in the kitchen! Mother said it looked cute and so let him in. I quickly shut the door she had opened and told her not to let any more in - they can be quite uncontrollable!

Leave this one be and don't provoke him. He will leave on his own accord when he's had enough.

My Interpretation (if it needs one...)
Guard the senses from excessive desire! Create boundaries in the mind... but if at some point they are overstepped - don't panic! .....be calm and accepting and things will settle once more - IF THE BOUNDARIES ARE KEPT.

Where is self?

How many times we hear 'I am not body, I am not mind' and still we identify with these changing forms. Still the ego sneaks in and claims it as me, as mine, as real.
Even planning how to help others is no good, the best help is to let that go. Ego less..... but how?
Move awareness in. You might find the issue which has made you stuck can't be pinpointed and is a lot more fluid than you thought. And when you can see clearly that it is a conditioned belief it dissolves any problems away. Vastness is found. Move awareness into itself.

The Hindu Path

At the ashram I have noticed that there are two main threads that seem to run through Hindu thought which have slightly different approaches to that of the Buddhist. Austerity and devotion.

Austerity

First is austerity, which although Buddhism far from offers an 'easy' path, it does offer the middle way. The Buddha came down from the cave where he starved himself half to death and realised that he needed to look after his body a little to transcend it. In Hinduism by practicing yoga asana's and pranayama cultivates a good body to sit, but when ready to seek samadi (Union with God) then you take to the path of severe austerity.

So how should this idea of austerity be viewed....?

Problems and suffering can be utilised on the path. On a cosmic level to celebrate burning up bad karma - 'how wonderful a thief stole my wallet!' But also as a test of equanimity - think how easily we'll keep our cool when small things go wrong if we can ride difficulties with ease. But austerity requires more than simply a reframe of events when bad things happen, it requires deliberately making things hard... to strengthen resolve and determination... to crack the big ones such as fear of death, and to push towards liberation!

Devotion

In Buddhism there is no mention of God. This does not mean that He does not exist, but merely that it is not relevant to awakening to talk about that beyond words. So instead of devoting to God, there is devotion to the Buddha, Dharma (teachings of Truth) and Sangha (enlightened beings and spiritual friends). Unquestionable devotion is also shown to ones Guru, particularly in Tibetan Buddhism.

Different slants on Love and Devotion

Theravadin Buddhism (Thailand, Sri Lanka etc)
Metta - To love yourself and others without judgment.
Developing metta is good to soften any harshness to the self. 'May I be happy and well'. And then to spread this outwards takes the focus to all beings, be they friend or foe.
This is good for if you feel low self esteem.

Mahayana Buddhism (Tibet, Japan etc)
Bodhichitta - The desire to free all beings from suffering and to continue reincarnating to help.
The important thing here is that you are not interested in freeing yourself from suffering, but only others. This is very powerful because when I want to liberate myself it unleashes love to help others, but can also allow the ego to get in. When you do it purely for others you are in the moment for just them. You can be far more open. And by Grace you find that you are liberated.
This is good for overcoming pride or desire for power.

Hinduism
Bhakti - Devotion to God
This is very powerful, it instantly purifies the mind of judgment in order to acknowledge the Universal light in all beings. Letting go of worries we wake up to the miracles manifest everywhere and free ourselves from conditioning. It brings a lightness of being and a warming of the heart.

No moment is less important than any other

This morning at yoga the teacher asked us to meditate on the spaces between the Aum's that we chanted. I was reminded that we need to try to be 'awake' at all times. Every moment has the potential for bliss, for realisation. It kind of has the affect of ironing out our more 'sleepful' moments.

Similarly when conducting hypnosis I often say:
Use the time between the words.... that are said.... in the pauses... to deepen awareness.... and sink deeper into relaxation...
Its very powerful because it draws the mind away from expectation and trying too hard, and clears thoughts when normally they crowd in those spaces to analyze.

Practice this when standing in a queue - what are you waiting to happen!? Resist waiting. Stand there. In that moment.

I bow to the divine light that resides inside all who read this

While I don't know exactly who will read these words, the intention has been put in, and now can jump back out at you. In acknowledgment of the knower, the supremely clear full of blissful love. That resides inside you and connects us. To the Universal Spirit.

To see beyond differences is to extend your heart to all beings. To see that everyone is a god.

Spiritual India

17/10/06

The Journey Begins

Today I arrived in Delhi. The flight was overnight and I didn't sleep. As I left the airport the morning humidity hit me with clammy and heavy eyed weariness. A taxi driver tried to get me to pay 800 rupees, I took the bus for 50. Arriving in Paraganj I took a room and slept a while. In a daze I walked through the crowded streets full of hippy tat in deterierating shop fronts. Whispers of hashish, beggars drifting by and the occassional 'Hello sir! What country?' I had decided to get some mosquito repellent before dusk as I have been caught without before and there's nothing worse. I also wanted to book my bus to Rishikesh sooner rather than later.

After an evening of sleep with periods of wakefulness it's midnight and I'm up again, feeling a little more awake, but hardly refreshed. And here I am, eating pokara, pondering. Feeling tired, battered by the onslaught of Delhi, I wonder how I ended up here. I feel doubt. I feel uncertainty.

But I know that I am not here to simply experience the sights and culture and I am definately not here for Delhis chaos. I am here for something far deeper and more profound. I am here in search of wisdom and Truth.

And India offers this opportunity.

Intention

10 years ago I studied philosophy at University. After a period of obsessive scrutiny into the nature of existence I came to the conclusion that everything needed an opposite to exist and was hit by a profound realisation that left me feeling clear, at peace, and awake. I didn't know anything about eastern philosphies such as ying and yang at the time.

This feeling of freedom from the burden of changing 'opposites' faded a few months later when some worry seemed to overshadow the initial fearlessness I had experienced.

2 years ago I came to India and sat a vipassana in Bodhgaya (http://www.dharmanetwork.org/). I had an overwhelmingly powerful experience, I wept. It was like I had been released from a prison I never even knew had existed, so powerful was the bliss and clarity, so immense was the love. I discovered the interconnectedness of all things and somehow grasped meaning and understanding into deep philosophical questions - but without grasping for them. I wept some more. Sounds, tastes, feelings and sights were all objects of mind, and I wasn't limited to the body.

Since then my practice has deepened, a dedication remained to search wholeheartedly for Truth. But of late I have been drawn back into smallmindedness, persuing cravings and failing to meditate much. I've been going through the spiritual motions (chanting at bhajans, visiting monasteries, attending yoga classes...) but with no real inner commitment to awakening.

And so as I sit here in the night, on this rooftop in Delhi, I shall try to dig deep to set my intention for this trip.

A commitment to let go of conventional worries about careers, pensions, and worse still the craving for a partner. A commitment to pursue the Ultimate, that beyond time and space, that beyond fear of growing old and dying, that which is always there in the present, waiting to be awake, to be alive. The unconditioned, the divine spark, lifes meaning understood through the realisation of fearless, pure, unconditional love.

As several sangha (spiritual friends) have reminded me in the past when asked what it is that drives them on the path, seeing as it's not an easy one - 'Well, what else is there to do in this life!'

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SOME PONDERINGS/ INSIGHTS/ SPIRITUAL THOUGHTS

What is time? - - - - - - a momentum to compare change

The past existed, the past does not exist. The future will exist, the future does not exist. All that exists is now. * NOW IS ETERNAL *

What is space? - - - - - - division to observe

If you move does your body move through space, or images into mind?

MIND IS BEYOND TIME AND SPACE . . . . . . . MOVE BEYOND! -----> AWAKEN!

become conscious of the divine . . . . . and know freedom, love and miracles beyond comprehension.

Questioning

Always question. Believe nothing. Inquire. Free the mind. Open the mind. Allow the knower to know what it needs to know. Watch the watcher. Explore what it means to be. Explore why it is to be. Break out and let go. Live in a way which promotes clarity. Act with spontaneity, freshness. Do not judge. Do not judge judgements. Let the curiosity into Ultimate Truth guide you, without expectation. Promote higher states of consciousness.

Love

Love binds all things . . . Love creates. Love knows. Love destroys . . . This makes being possible . . . Love forgets love and fear is born. In order for love to rediscover itself once more . . . Love is the core of all being . . . Love is the purpose . . . Love manifests life . . . Love is the essence of consciousness . . . To experience more love is to be more awake. To be free . . . Love is limitless . . . Love is clarity . . . Love is understanding . . . Love is bliss . . . Love is all we need.

Back in Rishikesh

6/11/06

Back in Rishikesh

Today I left the safety of the ashram. I felt I needed the space to explore my being, so have returned to Rishikesh. Sitting in a restaurant, alone. This is what I was after having been with

people almost solidly since arriving. I also want to meditate, contemplate and do all the things that drive me on my spiritual quest. I know that the ashram offered structure, which I will miss to some extent, but I feel I now have the will to do my own thing without be swept along with other travelers and tempted by worldly pleasures. There are yoga classes I can attend. I may go somewhere more rural, I may head south. Time will tell....

SOME PONDERINGS/ INSIGHTS/ SPIRITUAL THOUGHTS

Material or Spiritual?

I have been reading Ayurveda and the Mind by David Frawley, which is a really clear and inspirational book. It made me think about how in the west there is a tendency to have a very materialistic approach to life while in the east a spiritual one.

Material Approach - The world came into existence and then consciousness was somehow born to perceive it.

Spiritual Approach - The spirit has always existed, it is beyond conditions. From consciousness the physical world manifested, through karma.

Before I came to India I was doing care work. I recently did one shift on a psychiatric ward. I observed several vulnerable people being forced to have electric shock treatment. Pads were placed on their foreheads and their bodies jumped and convulsed as the shocks were administered. One lady had very low self esteem and in a plain voice categorically said that she didn't think this would work for her OCD, and then asked me if she smelt. One man, who had tried to escape the from this in the past, seemed quite placid and normal, just depressed. When I got home I wept. Is this how we treat people with server mental health problems in the west? It tore me up deeply to my soul. More than anything the coldness of the environment and the people who worked there talking and behaving so superficially.

We have to remember that we all have mental health problems, just some people more server than the rest. Monasteries often jokingly call themselves 'mental health institutions' to purify the mind. And it seems to work seeing how non-judgmental, kind and happy monks and nuns seem to be.

So I wonder is a pill and a burst of electricity to the brain the way to help? Or should meditation and a perspective to view the world less attached to their delusions be prescribed in a more loving and nurturing environment?

I am glad that I experienced this disturbing shift before I came away. It affected me so deeply to spur my practice into action to help where I can. I feel my work is more than just helping the spiritual seeker to see Truth through workshops, but to help those with more severe mental health issues to gain some peace of mind.

Sun Salutation

Six thirty to rise

Stretch, swing, shake the body!

Go to the roof to face the sun,

Centre the mind AUM

Praise to the divine in all AUM

Awaken and unleash the light! AUM

I bow to the sun

With devotion

But oh such a gust of wind in this valley!

I bow to the light in all,

With awe,

My yoga mat flaps and almost blows away,

To the divine I do 10 more rounds of the sequence,

With devotion,

Then dash back inside (mindfully of course) to finish my practice there...

Mindfulness in Everyday Life

Sitting in a cafe, contemplating once more. Free will or not? Is God immanent or transcendent? And once again I drift... how could I teach mindfulness to a beginner like the Israeli girl I met earlier? ...coming back to my body, noticing the other people in the cafe, I'm back... until... how should I beat this sugar craving - I manages to stop drinking and smoking, but they are more black and white, sugar is hidden in foods and I can't stop eating... come back again to the present - my breath, the sounds... my food arrives... mm it tastes good, I'm so hungry I can't get it down fast enough... awaken once more - sit upright, notice posture, eat slowly, be with the taste of each mouthful. That's better I'm here again in the cafe, contemplating life, with a clear and present mind. Who knows the answers? Just ask the question and be open. After all the answer is beyond dualities of free will vs determinism, immanent vs transcendent. Only when the mind is free of judgment such as right vs wrong can Truth be known. Truth is beyond conditions, comparisons, the intellect.

10/11/06

Observing myself. I'm sat on a rock by the Ganges, listening to Cafe Del Mar on my MP3 feeling a little glum. I guess the last few days have been quite busy emailing, writing the blog so it's up to date with my diary...

Moments of high

Moments of low

Nowhere to go

I've signed up to do a week long course for tomorrow. It's an absolutely stunning ashram nestled between mountains with nothing else around except the flowing Ganges. That'll keep me busy.

I'm getting quite into yoga and Ayurveda, it's interesting - cosmic! Which is what I like . . . the language resonates with me. Buddhism can be misinterpreted as dry with terms like Emptiness and no-self. Hinduism speaks to the 'soul' and of God.

Observing. I think I'm just a bit sleepy from snacking a while ago.

Observing. Well stop thinking/ analyzing and just flow with how you feel! I'm sure you'll be clear and full of energy again before you know it. Remember - Dhukka, Anicca, Anatta (everything changes and attachment to the ego means suffering).

Two hours later. I just bumped into the Israeli girl who said she'd join me for yoga later. I think actually that while I craved for space to myself to reflect and sink deeper int myself, four days later and I'm feeling a little lonely. On the yatra (Buddhist walking retreat) this in France summer we did an exercise in pairs where we had to say to each other "Things in life I find difficult are...' and the guy I was with aptly said "Being with people.... and being without people!"

We need sangha. We need others to share experiences. We need to give and receive. To off-load and to listen. To be helped and to help. Even on silent retreats the presence of others doing the same thing helps to keep going. So now it's time for me to start being more social again!

Phool Chatti Ashram

11/11/06

Arriving at Phool Chatti

Once again I'm on a rock by the Ganges. The retreat doesn't start until Monday. I'm just sitting, reading, contemplating and going deeply into the experience of being. I'm reading To Be Human by Krishnamurti, and he's talking about becoming sensitive, vulnerable. Letting go of trying to control, not accepting or rejecting. And experiencing vitality and energy as a result. He compares to how condemning a child may be easy, but not the best thing to do.

It reminds me of a metaphor Martin Aylward used last year on a day retreat. The mind is like a baby - crying, kicking, screaming, struggling. Awareness is like a mother - always allowing it to be and loving the baby unconditionally. He then went on to talk about how 'nothing' exists outside awareness and we need to embrace everything like a mother a baby.

My mind feels clear. The sounds of the river, the vastness of the mountains.

I have a thought that I have felt like this before, but that it's still fresh, it's not stale like the repetition of a boring task, where we are stuck or trapped. This is new and always keeps its wonderment. No matter how many times I come back to myself, it's always amazing to experience the miracles of life.

I think about getting older. And somehow it doesn't matter. If I was 18 or 80 this sense of awe would be the same. It's this moment that counts. That's good - I'm not afraid of getting older so much. Pain and death, well that's another matter! But as the Dalai Lama says about dying, "it's just like changing a pair of clothes," and matterji at yoganga said in her old body that she's, "looking forward to getting a fresh new one!"

Walking back to the ashram I feel completely present with the experience, completely clear. I walk through the courtyard, peacefully admiring the building. I walk up some steps and BANG! I hit my head on a low door frame. I think God is trying to tell me something about non-attachment to blissful states, walking in the forest the other day in a similar state I suddenly tripped on a root of a tree... was it Plato or Aritstole who fell down a well when his head was in the clouds!?

Social etiquette

I was just reminded of the abrupt and seemingly rude nature of Indians. The yoga teacher just snatched the form out of my hands when I finished writing. I used to get infuriated when these things happened, but now just laugh as it's just a cultural difference.

When I sat on a retreat two years ago in Jaipur it came to light how much I have been trained to be an 'English gentleman'. There were many Indians on this retreat, spitting and burping at every opportunity. And one time in the food queue a man pushed right in front of me to get his food first. Being on a silent retreat I just had to observe the annoyance that arose instantly through my body at such behaviour. And he called himself spiritual!

When learning Hindi the other week we asked "what is the word for please and thank you?" After a puzzled look the teacher told us, but added "we rarely use these words."
And in true spirit since then I have been trying my up most to resist saying thanks when I receive any change from shops, and instead simply turn around and walk away.

Inside Out

All this talk of 'shutting off from the outside word and going inside' is a bit lost on me. I know what they are trying to say - reduce the impressions entering the mind to bring the subconscious more into focus so that you can beetter develop equanimity. It's just the words no longer make sense..

I once read a Rumi poem where he made I sound like he was approaching a house with secrets inside, and when he opened the door he was actually looking outside.

I once did a Zen retreat with Stephen Bachelor where he explained that the term 'Buddha Nature' was an incorrect translation as it implied an innate soul inside us that needs to be discovered. Properly translated he Pali word should be more like pregnancy - an opportunity to grow outwards and flourish.

One of the most powerful insights I ever had was when I placed equal importance on all my senses (sight, sound, feelings . . ), after all they are all just 'objects of mind'. Suddenly I was no longer limited to the body. The body I perceived as mine was just an object of mind inside bigger objects of mind. The whole world was my mind, waiting to be explored. I sat in the bathroom and even though it was a small room I felt expansive, like in a stadium. At Calcutta, confused where my platform was, two backpackers walked towards me to help - like a mirage of Westerners in this strange, foreign land. They helped and I thanked them for walking into my mind stream.

My world had turned inside out. Like taking some kind of hallucinogenic I felt free. I felt blissful. I felt the love of the divine in all.

Meditation on Sights, Sounds and Sensations.

Sit in a quiet place, away from other people and distractions. Preferably in nature.

Close your eyes and bring your awareness into your body. Become aware of your feet and legs. Then your stomach and chest. Then your arms and hands. Finally your neck and head.

Now move awareness to as many different sounds as you can.

Open your eyes and notice what you can see. The colours, the light. Move your awareness between different visual objects.

Close your eyes again and move into to the sensations that you feel. Choose one particular area of the body, perhaps your hands. Move awareness into that feeling and really explore its qualities. Try to locate it. Ask yourself - where is it - in the body, the brain, the mind? Can you find it or does it disappear into nothing the further you probe?

Now listen to sounds. Where is it experienced - out there, in your brain, in your mind?

Open your eyes to the visuals. Where is it - out there, in your brain, in your mind?

Look at something making a noise, or clap your hands. What's the relationship between sights and sounds? Are they happening in the same or different parts of the mind?

Become aware of your body - what's the relationship between sights, sounds and feelings?

Sit a while longer. If any emotions arise observe them too. Just watch a feeling whether it be of peace, restlessness, or awe at the strangeness of the Universe. Try to locate it. Experience the way it changes and just slips away.

Sit for a while longer exploring your senses and emotions. Use your breath to stabilise yourself into clear and peaceful awareness.

Meditation on Taste

Before you eat centre yourself with the breath. Clear away any other thoughts, perhaps by saying a prayer to open the heart, or maybe setting the intention to use the energy gained from this food to do good deeds.

Slowly take one mouthful of food and closing your eyes absorb your awareness into the tastes. Chewing slowly be aware of the movement of your jaw. What is taste, where is movement experienced? Try not to enjoy the tastes too much, but instead remain non-judgmental.

Continue eating being sure not to place any more food in your hands, cutlery or chopsticks before you have swallowed everything.

Meditation on Movement

Sit in easy posture (cross legged). Listening to some music begin to gently sway your body. Close your eyes. Allow the music to guide you into a flowing dance. Gently moving your arms, hands, neck and body, wherever they naturally want to move. Letting go of making any choices just move awareness to the swaying of the body.

How do you know you are moving - is it the stretching of the muscles, the movement of your clothes, or the air against your skin, that implies movement? What is this energy of movement?

Change to Acceptance

The course at Phool Chatti starts and we awaken at 5.30 to meditate. I'm first in the hall so go to the front, get into position and close my eyes. After the meditation we do some cleansing and then back to the hall for pranayama (breathing) and asana's (postures). I become aware of it here - pride. There I am at the front where everyone can see me. I feel the urge to go deep into posture out of competitiveness. 'Please God, help me to overcome this attitude,' I think. I realise though that I need to heed my own advice - don't try to change, try to accept. Love yourself. To try to change is to be averse, to wish it weren't so, to suppress. To accept is to shine light upon, to bring to awareness, to move your head from the sand and face with courage. To accept dissolves the ego and thus the negativity in the trait losses power, leaving just positive energy. In this case I soon leave competitiveness behind and feel I want to go deeper into the posture to become supple to meditate better, to be in Union with God.

I have noticed how I can project this fear of pride onto others. Whenever I see the implication that they are thinking 'look at me, I'm spiritual!' by doing things in an overt way such as putting reiki on their food, I cringe. We often project onto others what we dislike in ourselves, others are our reflection.

I remember during a silent retreat at Amaravati last year I had just bought a pair of vegetarian shoes. When leaving them by the door I noticed I had the tendency to put them where everyone could see the label. As soon as this was realised I put them where no-one could see them, trying to be humble instead.

As an antidote to any obstacle it's important to cultivate the opposite. For hate meditate on love, for selfishness on generosity. But it's also important not to reject the negative trait but when it occurs become open and aware of its nature. After all it's just another expression of God. In this way the antidotes need not only be directed at the symptom, but at the root cause. To cultivate patience towards impatience, promote care to our carelessness, acceptance to our guilt, and shine love towards our hatred.

I've heard it said that samsara (suffering from attachment) and nirvana (bliss from non-attachment) are not exactly opposites. But in fact a realised being sees them as the same. If only we could be open to this wisdom instead of burying our heads in the sand.

17/11/06

Half way through the retreat at the ashram. It has been wonderful. The yoga is pretty intensive/relentless which is great. Two 2 hour periods of asana (postures), pranayama (breathing) and cleansing. The people are wonderful, the food is great and the location stunning. I'm trying not to get too attached...

But the best thing for me is that the satsang teacher respects me deeply, and I feel equally that she has so much positive, loving energy to offer it's a pleasure to be in her company. I sit next to her in the discussions and she always looks at me for a second opinion concerning other students questions. I feel a little bit as if I've been singled out and that things are not completely equal, but she has reassured me that she just values my opinion.

I have also been blessed to have been given the opportunity to lead the meditations in the morning as some people are new to sitting and needed guidance. It has given me such confidence to speak to large groups, something I have never dared to do on previous retreats.

And so everything in falling into place. In the spring this year I held a day workshop in hypnotherapy and meditation and 4 people attended. In the summer I did a 90 minute workshop and 10 people attended. And now I have been given the opportunity to do the same for over 20. The other two were planned, but this happened by chance and has come at just the right time.

I am desperately trying to keep my head on the ground and be present. And pray to God that I don't become attached. Even though it's great, it's impermanent. Even though it's impermanent I will work towards my goal of sharing the dharma as much as I can. And even though I will work towards that goal I will maintain my awareness in the here and now in order to help as best I can.



The three poisons - Greed, Hatred and Ignorance.

I have always appreciated that greed and hatred, craving and aversion - the pushing and pulling of the minds attachment to the changing conditions of the Universe will lead to dukkha (suffering). And so to become liberated we need to overcome this and find peace, acceptance, acknowledgement with our present condition.

But until now 'ignorance' just meant to me the lack of knowledge to this principle, and was of little value. Ignorance is often taken to mean 'stupid' but of course liberation has little to do with the intellect. 'Ignorance' in this sense means not following the principle of being with and not against our present experience which doesn't require knowledge of facts.

It dawned on me earlier though that the noun 'ignorance' is related the verb 'to ignore'. But I realised that this doesn't just mean to ignore the pushing and pulling of the mind, but also to ignore the miraculousness of life. If it were simply pointing to look at the two poisons it would be very nihilistic, empty. Ignorance suggests something more - to stop ignoring the way things are, and instead to be open to, intimate with, the present experience in consciousness. It gives the necessary drive towards 'fullness'.

This leads me on to my dislike of the word 'emptiness', which is so often misunderstood. It simply means that all things are 'empty' of having an inherent, lasting, separate nature of their own. It doesn't mean that they are 'empty' of existing, but clearly they do exist. It also means that they are subjective in nature, words can only form opinions and images. And ideas don't come close to the actual sensual experience.

I think there's a book called The Fullness of Emptiness?

Respect

The Indian yoga teacher has so much patience. She is clear and disciplined in her approach, calm and persistent in her commands.

In the east the teacher is respected, listen to intently and only accepted or rejected after the class, the course. In the west the individuals opinions are respected and the teacher is challenged during the lesson. It is amazing how she can remain so focused on the objects, so calm in her dealings with the disruptive barrage of comments and doubts thrown this way and that in the class.

She said to me the other day how it takes ten times as long to get any message across to westerners. But she accepts this with dignity.

Of course we should never accept anything with blind faith. But maybe we need to develop more faith in the teacher, the bringer of Unity, rather than the separate individual, the dual, before we challenge and doubt and cause disharmony to all.

In the Three Pillars of Zen there is Great Doubt, Great Faith and Great Determination. Great Doubt means to question everything right down to our existence, focusing on questions such as 'what is this?' or 'who am I?' Great Faith means to have complete trust in your master to lead you away from limited beliefs and towards Oneness. Great Determination speaks for itself.

In the west we have Great Doubt, but seek proofs that can be measured and compared. We ask 'how does A relate to B?' But we rarely ask 'what is A, what is B? Only when we stop looking for difference to compare can we move towards harmony. Only then can we flow with the Universe.

Philosophy or Energy?

I first came to spirituality through questioning deeply. And it has led me a long way. Seeing through opinions, shedding layers of conditioning. It's through being curious in awareness I came to discover love.

A couple of years ago I felt my heart and brow chakra open. I sometimes feel breezes around my body and a flow of subtle energy as I meditate. But I always consider this as secondary, a result or reward from meditating, from contemplating.

The Buddha wasn't interested in 'supernatural' miracles. He was only interested in the cessation of suffering. Very practical. But recently I have begun to wonder if energy itself can be used as a tool for awakening.

Majorie, the lady who runs the course here, had a terrible life before. She is black and was an alcoholic, her daughter was murdered. She had a sudden awakening that removed her from deep pain to experience deep bliss. She never studied philosophy, she never meditated. She is a Sai Baba devotee and says that his energy is guiding her, so that she can purify her karma.

I feel a deep connection to her. It's beyond words.

She told me that in the ancient times Brahman's (the highest caste) sent their children to the Upanishads who would read them spiritual stories. But more importantly they received blessings from simply being in the presence.

I wonder how much I should let go of even contemplation and simply trust completely in God. I think I may go check this Sai Baba out myself.


Words

Words confuse the mind
They speak of duality, they judge,
Wise words inquire deeply,
They direct us back to the Wordless.

Words cause harm when they contract the mind,
Reducing life to me and mine,
separate from you and yours.

Words lead to freedom when they open the heart,
Expanding life to Us and Ours,
Together we comprise the Divine.

Words have great power,
But to see Truth, one must let go of all words,
And just be,
In harmony with,
What is.

23/11/06

Having the wind knocked out of me

I became attached. I tried to remain present but somehow my mind started to assume that they would want me to continue teaching meditation at the ashram. I asked Majorie and Lulita separately and they both said it may be possible so I stayed on after the retreat and start to fantasise about how my dream would come true to stay here and teach the dharma. The new retreat started yesterday and I asked if I would be needed to guide the first meditation and they said they would use a tape instead.

I feel a little annoyed. I have been walking and hitching the 6km into town everyday to have tabla lessons and was talking about buying a bicycle.

I've had a bit of a stomach bug and going to town has been exhausting. I've pretty much only been sleeping here anyhow which is a waste of the beautiful surroundings, and a waste of money as it's a little more expensive to stay here. Today I will move to town.

I have the urge to leave Rishikesh and go to Amritsar. I don't want to stay. But I just started tabla lessons and I'm keen to get a ground in it. But I really want to see other places too as I've been in this area for my whole trip so far... and it's getting cold.

Moments of High
Moments of Low
Nowhere to hide
Nowhere to go.

Back to the present. It's planning and fantasising that knocked the wind out of me. (being a little tired and sick doesn't help). But it's primarily not being in harmony with the here and now that's to blame.

It's a good lesson for me to learn. I will observe, I will practice what I preach. Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to practicing penetrating my spiritual ignorance.

I meditate.

Thoughts about plans and fantasies dissipate.

I'm present.

Thought of reflections emerge.

How wonderful to have been given this opportunity to teach meditation and dharma to such a big group! At the end of the retreat an Israeli guy came up to me with blazing eyes of wakefulness and declared, "Your meditations are great! You're really something!" Then he lowered his head and as he walked away muttered, "but of course I don't want to boost your ego."

I have seen that same fire in people eyes many times before when I have practiced hypnotherapy or led a meditation for people.

I know I will teach. I just need to let go of when and where and focus on now and here.]

Thank you God for laying the way to give me confidence in my abilities, but also for setting obstacles to knock the pride out of me and make me humble. Thank you God.

Back to Rishikesh (again!)

24/11/06

Back In Rishi

I get a room up the hill, with a stunning view and go to my tabla lesson. I'm really enjoying learning an instrument, this is my third lesson and I can notice improvements already. My mood has been high all day. Saying good bye to Phool Chatti was a good idea, I will pop back to see everyone if I need to find peace in the mountains.

But for now I need to be more active for a while as the insights have begun to come thick and thin and so no more reading, but instead grounding. Instead practicing being and letting thoughts go. Channeling this energy to go deeper into being. Channeling the excess of this energy into something creative - the tabla, maybe the sitar.

Humour

I woke this morning to my thoughts reliving a conversation I had with an English couple last night. Going through what I could have said to them. When I become aware of this I immediately employ my usual tool of 'curiosity' to penetrate disillusion. Where is the thought felt? What is it's energy? And so on. Then I thought - how absurd to be talking with them in my mind when I will never see them again. I chucked a little.

I often use curiosity and humour to find motivation to overcome laziness. When lying in bed sleepily wanting to stay a while longer in the warmth, I will think,"what is this strange body, what is this odd place!" and proceed to jump out of bed starring down at my hands, my body, my legs, in disbelief, prodding them with mild amusement. It certainly wakes me up!

Quite often in yoga we do some laughing yoga. Making strange faces and noises in order to induce a bout of giggles. It definitely helps to dilute the seriousness often latched on to determination. It makes things light again as we see though the craziness of the roles we play, the masks we wear.

Dharma teachers often use humour to reframe a limited belief and as a tool to strike a balance between strict determination which is often aimed more at becoming, and a laid back attitude which can become too chilled out with just being. Because we need the goal to be on the journey, but we need to keep coming back to the journey if we are too focused on the goal.

Looking at our role models, such as the Tibetan lamas like the Dalai Lama, they are always laughing and chuckling even though they have a deep dedicated focus to face suffering and help as many beings to be free of their suffering - a serious business that takes great courage.

Desmond Tutu once said the Dalai Lama is like a cheeky school boy. And he's not far wrong as he certainly does have an innocence to his being.

Beacon of clarity

This morning I did some yoga and my body stretches right into the postures with ease. My tummy bug is subsiding. I feel fresh in my mind as I meditate.

With clarity and peace I sit,

With patience and intrigue I watch,

Penetrating restlessness,

Dissolving expectation,

Utilising the power of awareness.

I sense my brow chakra glow,

Beaming as a beacon on a hill,

As a light house to a ship ,

A sign to let me know,

I'm waking up to bliss.

When Insights become an obstacle

They have started to come thick and thin and I couldn't possibly write every word of wisdom I would like to express. Speaking to a Canadian girl at the ashram about how when in Dharamsala (home to the Dalai Lama - Tibets spiritual leader in exile since the Chinese seized their country in 1959) a monk approached her and asked her occupation. She said a writer. He replied, "words are poison, you need to meditate deeply and then when you let go of the words you will know what you need to say." And with that he walked away.

So true.

When I meditate and an insight arises I have an urge to jot it down. But when I resist, let it go, and come back to the breath I go deeper into being and find a while later an even better insight arises, and so it goes on.

Insights are just expressions of seeing clearly into one aspect of the Ultimate. They need to be left behind to penetrate further, to become even more present and closer to liberation.

Now I will practice the tabla to still my restless mind and to go a little deeper.

Opening to Divine Creativity

Practicing the tabla I become stuck. Every time I get to a certain part I get muddled, loss the rhythm, hit it all wrong.

I meditate.

I notice feeling of being blocked somewhere above my head, weighing me down. I move awareness in, trying to accept, acknowledge, not struggle against. I feel a release of energy above me and it comes pouring through my body making me shiver as it goes earthbound. I feel open again.

A minute later I open my eyes and play the tabla again. I can now play it without the mistake.

I stop to thank God. I feel tears of love in my eyes as I think about going home, in joining my Beloved in Union again as I did a couple of years ago.

My mind becomes busy thinking about writing this all down. I acknowledge I must stop writing for a while. It's distracting. I will resist writing for a few days, I need to go deeper. Thinking about what to write is playing into the hands of the ego. Writing about my own 'energetic' or experiences or spiritual accomplishments is playing into the hands of the ego even more.

I love you God. I want to resign to You, I want to be free and allow your love to embrace my being. I love You.

Teaching

Teaching Then

I first went to a Buddhist centre during the holidays at University. I didn't tell my parents where I was going as it kind of felt like I was doing something I shouldn't in our culture.... something to be ashamed of.... something which might make you go 'weird' and enter some kind of cult.... I was looking into spirituality.....

When it was time to go back to University I was disappointed that there wasn't any group to join. So I went right ahead and initiated the Keele University Meditation Society! And armed with a couple of tapes and a few books I started to lead meditations to small groups each week.

Soon after leaving University I ended up going to Japan, to teach. Dazzled by the bright lights of Tokyo I ended up jetsetting about, climbing mount Fuji, visiting temples in Kyoto, beaches in Okinawa, hot springs in Hokkaido, and when actually in the big city I would most probably be found high up a skyscraper sipping moscow mules, singing David Bowie, in a karaoke booth. I didn't meditate much.

Returning to England I once again resumed my interest in the nature of mind and set about training to be a hypnotherapist. Completing this I started practicing and I helped out supervising the students on subsequent diplomas.

The teaching English was more valuable than simply learning how to teach groups. I learnt English grammar - the difference between present perfect and the simple past, why we use question tags, the different types of conditionals and so on. A most important aspect of hypnotherapy is knowing how to apply language techniques. And so now when I guide a meditations I can phrase sentences in such a way that it leads the mediator towards clearer, calmer states of mind.

Teaching Now

Yesterday I decided to walk to Phool Chatti ashram to visit my friends there. When I arrived Lulita, the yoga teacher, was sitting in the court yard and asked me to get a chair. She then told me how, 'young people have much energy, such busy mind...' and after a long pause added, 'but you are calm... You have young body,' she continued with a dismissive hand, and then looked deep into my eyes, 'but you have wise mind.' She then proceeded to ask me to come back in February, March and April to help run the course.

Of course I was delighted. And even though the urge to just say yes there and then arose we both agreed that it is best to think about it for a few days.

I went for a long walk through the forest, up the river.

My first thought was, 'this is wonderful! What luck! I must seize this opportunity!'

My second thought was, 'oh dear, you will be trapped here. No traveling around India seeing interesting places. And worst of all no running away to sensual pleasures when things get tough. You will have to keep to a simple life.'

My third thought was, 'well that's just wonderful. What a great opportunity to free myself from the burdens of the ego!'

And so I sat on a rock, trying to keep my feet on the ground. Fantasising about how I can help many people practice meditation and show them a path full of love and peace, alleviating their suffering, leading them towards happiness beyond words.

But knowing the danger of getting attached to this dream a little song popped into my mind...

It's not that it's great,
Nor that it ain't,
Actually,
It just is.

And so I walked back to the ashram through the forest, humming these words.

The magical forest

Walking along the path twists and turns,
Dappled light through the trees,
Not knowing where the path leads.

Sometimes it's denser,
Sometimes there's a clearing,
The song of a bird,
Flowers blooming colour.

The magic of the forest makes my mind calm,
In awe of life,
I journey onwards.

Teaching Everywhere

Life teaches us. We teach each other. I teach you and you teach me. Our guru's teach us, our friends teach us and our enemies teach us. In fact it's often said that out enemies are our best teachers. Life is one long lesson. A lesson to learn how to love again.

Yesterday I met with a Swedish girl who by coincidence was on the yatra with me in France this summer. We had a very interesting conversation and I ended up doing sometime hypnotic/ healing work with her.

Our conversation varied in theme and went very deep into life. She opened my eyes to some things I opened her eyes to some things.

I came to appreciate from her how anger is not a 'bad' thing. She said how, 'Buddhists are always desperate not to be angry, it's silly!' Very true. OK anger is a poison but we mustn't punish ourselves if we lose it sometimes. This just adds another layer. The important thing is to be aware of it. Only non-judgemental awareness cures us of our judgemental/limited views. Being angry with anger doesn't help.

So sometimes we add a second layer of guilt onto the negative trait. This may mean that there is more to peel away, but don't panic. The guilt brings the issue into our consciousness so that then we can begin to bring awareness to what's happening. But we must find forgiveness first and then face the issue with all our being.

The world teaches us many things. But the root of all these lessons is to keep learning to love unconditionally.

Words of Wisdom

The Beatles Ashram

28/11/06

Finally I go to visit the ashram the Beatles visited in Rishikesh. I've been meaning to visit for a while, so now I take the stroll down the river to the derelict ashram where the Maharishi once lived.

After a sex scandal the Beatles turned their back on the Maharishi with his controversial TM meditation techniques. He now lives in Holland and the massive, once beautiful, ashram has now become a ruin.

This guy met the Beatles, he stands in the yoga hall, now covered in graffiti.

The pods where yogi's once meditated.

Let it Be (lyrics by The Beatles)

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Grounding

Yesterday I had one of those days so common when you stay somewhere for a while, I kept bumping into people I have got to know and going for herbal tea to chat. A friend also did some Reiki on me and shifted a lot of stuff.

Lying in bed my mind is racing.

I try to apply mindfulness, being awake to this restlessness, accepting. But it's no good. I simply can't keep awareness long enough in my body. More drastic action is needed.

I try to breathe deeply, to let the thoughts go on the out breath.... it doesn't work.

I try to imagine roots going into the earth, grounding me... my mind continues to race...

I go into the experience to find out what it means to me. And then maybe I can apply a specific metaphor relevant to my experience here and now, rather than using tried and tested techniques that don't seem to be doing the trick this time.

It feels kind of like adrenaline pumping around my veins. I have the impulse to imagine sludge going round my veins slowing this down. Then the roots I tried to imagine going down begin to rap themselves around me. Constricting me. My breathing slows like being restricted in a cobras tight grip. A few minutes later I feel really heavy, like I'm filled with lead.

My mind has calmed. I fall asleep.

It's a good thing I trained in hypnotherapy.

Tears of Love

This summer I went to a homeopath who asked me, "how often do you cry?" After a little thought I asked, "do you mean happy tears or sad tears?" He replied, "sad ones." After more thought I said, "well when my grandad died a few years ago is the last time I think." And when I left I started thinking maybe I'm not able to express my emotions, I must be suppressing something!

This morning I woke up thinking about how it's often said that there's no watcher and watched (which is dualistic) but simply watching. I also got lost in the thought that if dualism is delusion then how come the Andy watching is somehow fractured from other beings watching. I can't be watching from another body.

I then imagined asking this question to different people I know and started to feel more connected to them. "We are not separate, we are One," they might say. "But, but... I am not watching through your eyes," I imagined replying. "We are One," they simply responded.

I felt moved to listen to Krishna Das on my MP3 player.

Tears started to fill in my eyes. I suddenly burst into tears. They were streaming down my face. I became quite hysterical.

After a while I calmed a little. I decided to skip doing sun salutation this morning and instead wrapped a blanket around me and sat on the balcony to watch the sun rise across the Ganges, over the mountains. Occasionally shedding a tear or two.

Love filled my heart. Love filled my soul. I felt Love pour out of my heart so deeply that words cannot express.

I felt Love for all. Including you. Yes you reading this. Maybe I've had bad thoughts about you, maybe you about me, but beneath that conditioning, beneath that delusion, is Love. I Love you so much sometimes my heart aches.

After sitting a while I went back inside. For the first time since being here I skipped doing yoga and instead danced on my yoga mat. With nothing but a blanket around my naked body I danced and I danced with joy. Love moved me. Love made me sway. Love made me jump up and down. Love made me spin around and look up to the sky.

I danced and I danced.

I spend a lot of time in my head, contemplating. Occasionally though I let go and enter the heart. Finding peace through contemplation causes the body and mind to feel calm, to feel free, to feel blissful. Feeling Love in the heart has no such feeling. It is so powerful that it is beyond feeling in the body, states of mind. It cannot be pinned to anything, you cannot try to explain it at all. Love is so overwhelming when you open to it. Love is the foundation of everything.

I haven't had such a powerful opening of the heart for over a year. The last time it happened I was preparing to do reiki on myself. I was asking for all the spiritual beings everywhere to help allow healing energy to flow through my hands. I asked Jesus if he would oblige. Suddenly I burst into tears. I didn't do any reiki. I find Jesus such a powerful symbol of Love, of compassion.

And so I do cry. Maybe not tears of sorrow and sadness, but instead tears of Love and tears of compassion. When you Love God with all your heart, why would you cry tears of sorrow?

All you need is Love (lyrics by the Beatles)

Love, Love, Love. Love, Love, Love. Love, Love, Love.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game. It's easy. Nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time. It's easy.

All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.

Nothing you can know that isn't known. Nothing you can see that isn't shown. Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. It's easy.

All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. All you need is love (All together, now!) All you need is love. (Everybody!) All you need is love, love. Love is all you need (love is all you need).

Immanent, Transcendent, The Individual Soul

In the Bhagavad Gita (an ancient Hindu text), Krishna explains that God manifests in three ways:

Brahman – The impersonal universal energy (immanent in All)

Paramatma – The Supreme Soul sitting in the heart of every living entity.

Bhagavan – God as a personality, with a transcendental form.

Krishna explains that by overcoming the ego we cease to be trapped by liking and disliking in order to transcend the soul and be reunited with the Supreme. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhagavad_Gita)

I am, We are, You are

I am, but a drop in the sea,
Apart from, yet absorbed into,
Your divinity,
I am, but a spark from the fire,
That burns so brightly,
When I acknowledge You in me.

Timelessness

God (or awareness) is beyond time and space. The title of the book ‘Wherever you go, there you are,’ by Jon Kabit-Zinn (an easy bed-time read that is great for inspiring meditation) sums this up perfectly.

I have travelled to India. But actually I haven’t gone anywhere. All that’s changed are the objects of mind. I’m still here and now - how could it be other? The present moment is eternal.

I’m still here waiting

I’m still here, waiting, patiently,
Even though you travel,
Through time and space,
I’m still here and now, waiting,
Never leaving you,
I just wait,
For you to keep coming back to me.

Nowhere To Hide

Nothing is hidden

No part of our experience is outside our awareness, how could it be! Everything is inside awareness. God is aware of everything that happens - our thoughts, our speech and our actions.

We cannot hide from this.

Must must face EVERYTHING with courage if we want to free ourselves from suffering.

THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.

And this is very hard to do when our culture encourages us to run and hide behind the TV, run for cover to the fridge, run away from problems to the pint in the pub.

Burying our heads in the sand, suppression, leads to misery, suffering.

Facing with courage opens us to realise that actually our fears are just based in sand. It's just a concept, an idea, a limited belief which causes the pain. It changes, it is subjective. It is just our wishing it where different, which hurts us. By accepting it we move towards freedom.

A good example of this can be experienced when meditating. Invariably when we sit we will encounter a pain in our legs, or our back. But if try to stay still and truly shower this physical pain with loving awareness we find that space is created around it. We find that actually the pain itself wasn't causing any problems, it was our relationship to it that caused our suffering.

Facing my fears

This blog is invaluable to me to make me jot different insights down and make things clearer in my mind. It is invaluable to me knowing that some people will gain from hearing my stories and have parallel things going on which can begin to heal them. And it is invaluable to me to open myself up, be vulnerable to sharing, my inner most secrets and desires with anybody in the world who so wishes to read this.

Sexuality

And so it's time for me to face one of my biggest fears, talking about that subject which in England we are very prudish about. Well to be honest these days we are given mixed messages on this subject. We are conditioned to somehow be proud of our sexuality to our peers and yet ashamed of it to those senior to us. The media puts pressure on us to be attractive and advocates bragging about conquests. And our Christan heritage shrouds the whole whole subject with guilt and shame. So as always when I speak about myself I must be careful that I talk from a place which only dents my ego, not boost it.

My Story

Well here we go. This is not easy for me in the slightest, but it must be done...

I was a very unhappy teenager. I didn't feel I fitted in. Even though I love being with people, I had few friends at that time, but that's OK as I have always been naturally quite good in my own company. Everyone around me gave me the message to hate aspects of myself. I suppressed. I became withdrawn. I tried to take my life.

Now I am much happier. I don't blame my culture. I don't blame those around me. I don't blame myself. I know it was just ignorance. I know that those who hate and advocate hate in any way suffer. I know that it was just their karma, and it was just my karma.

I still find it quite hard to tell people that I'm gay. But now it's not something that I'm ashamed of. And equally it's not something which I'm proud of. It's just the way it is. The antidote of 'pride' has been given to gay people, but this must be shed to move towards true healing, true self acceptance.

Celibacy

Unfortunately Buddhism often steers clear from the issue of how to be on the path within intimate relationships. With a strong monastic tradition it tends to promote celibacy as the best way to avoid being polluted with arguably the strongest human desire. For desire in any form sways us from being present unconditionally.

To my own ends I am still deliberating this one. I know that long retreats are needed where celibacy is a must. But I wonder whether I need to separate myself completely from sexual desire, or whether in time it will just fall away if I face it in the world. My heart is with God, but I wonder whether a relationship with another being can also promote this, as after all we are all aspects of God.

There is also the belief which proponents such as Osho adhere to which is that the sexual energy can be utilised in order to reach enlightenment much faster. I personally think that this is a dangerous area as if the practitioner isn't sufficiently evolved then ego can get in all too easily and lead them astray.

Surreal

Walking Meditation

I often find myself walking to clear my mind. Today I walked down to Laxman Jhoola, then across to Ram Jhoola and back up the hill again home. Somehow I can let worries go easier by walking purposelessly.

I imagined that I wasn't actually going anywhere. I imagined that I was walking on the spot, on a treadmill. I imagined the images just floating into my mind stream.

I tried to be here, wherever that is.
I tried to be now, whenever that is.

I watched the flow of awareness move around the sensations in the body, to the sounds, and most of all to the visuals drifting towards me, through me, and away behind me. I love the visuals, I find them the most fascinating. Colours and shapes moving through awareness. Like magic. So vibrant.

The other day I walked purposelessly to clear my mind. I found myself instinctively choosing paths to walk as if they were able to help more than other paths. Somehow the world was my mind and I was exploring it. I found a spot by a stream with loads of monkeys fooling around. The monkeys seemed to be helping to cleanse this mind of mine. After a while I felt that they had washed the unwanted thoughts away downstream and so wandered back again, feeling much calmer.

Mind is not in the body, it is the body which is in the mind. The body is just a vehicle. Mind contains everything, you can experience anything outside awareness. How could you? And so thoughts are just floating about everywhere. You may need to go someplace to get rid of those thoughts in that place, cleansing them away. If you trust and just start walking you will be guided to where you need to go. Try it sometime.

What is real?

There was a Chinese philosopher who had a dream that he was a butterfly. On waking he wondered whether he was a butterfly dreaming he had awoken as a man, or a man who had a dream that he was a butterfly.

Life is like a dream. Dreams are like life.

I once had a lucid dream. I realised I was not awake but in a dream and became very excited because the dream reality was as clear and as vivid as waking reality. Unfortunately, I became so excited that I tried to fly and then woke myself up.

A good technique to use if you want to have lucid dreams is to get into the habit of checking if you are in a dream in waking life so that the mind will hopefully continue with this pattern when you are asleep. And when the dream becomes lucid try to stay calm so that you don't wake yourself up as I did. If it's a nightmare or some dream you want to change then try spinning on the spot and the environment should change.

So anyway back to 'what is real'? Well a dream is energy in the mind. And waking consciousness is energy in the mind. To be honest there isn't much difference except that you could perhaps claim that in waking life the energy is denser, the vibration stronger.

Objects of mind come into consciousness and drift away again. That's life.

Liberation involves allowing these objects of mind to flow in and out, without attaching to any sense that this me or mine. Or put another way that this is what I want or what I don't want. For in doing that we become attached and suffer when invariably the objects of mind change.

Liberation involves becoming more conscious, awake. Often someone having a lucid dream is more conscious than someone who is not sleeping but going about their day lost in thought.

So the question of whether something is real or not is flawed. Everything we experience exists in the mind as energy. It is the forming of opinions about that energy in a dualistic sense that is wrong view - judging things to be good or bad. Right view is unconditioned, beyond this and that, beyond me and you, beyond free-will or not, beyond every type of analytical thought you have, as the mind can only compare and that leads to subjective opinions, not objective reality.

Karma

When we act out of habitual tendencies we are at the mercy of our karma. Something happens and we react in the way we always do, thus instilling a pattern of behaviour to continue to come back again and again.

We are often pushed here and there in a semi-awake state, making choices based on habits deep in the mind. That is why meditation and hypnotherapy can change these karmic seeds. It calms the mind in order to allow these thoughts to pass by without attachment, freeing the individual to let them go.

But karma is so much more that habitual thoughts. It extends outwards to everything in the Universe. Karma is responsible for someone walking into your mind stream. For things 'out there' coming into your awareness, and for things out there leaving your awareness.

What we put out into the world from our thoughts becomes a reality outside our body. What is outside our body becomes a reality in our thoughts. There is no separation.

There is just a complex web of individual karma's making up a whole karmic story, which is Gods game with life.

The game

Some people believe that God created the world in order to rediscover his Love. He had to forget it and create fear in order to experience this overwhelmingly blissful love once more. They believe life is complete as it is already, you just need to open your heart.

Some people don't believe in a 'creator' but think it was all just an accident. But even so the only way to achieve happiness is through opening the heart. In fact whether created intentionally or not is beside the point. Who cares, you are in it!

Some people think that life is about escaping from samsara (the constant flow of death and rebirth which causes so much misery). This is goal orientated to becoming liberated, enlightened. But again whether rebirth can come to an end or continue forever is beside the point. All you can do is open your to the present moment and you will not suffer.

Some people believe that with the death of this body, their consciousness dies too. I do not believe this because it seems senseless to me that a timeless and spaceless mind could cease to exist in the eternal here and now. With this view they hold that the physical world exists independently of the mind, which also seems impossible to me. It's the wrong way round - the mind makes the world come into existence - or at any rate the two are intrinsically connected, dependent on each other.

But anyway, again this is beside the point. To be happy necessitates being with what is here and now without clinging to the idea that it should be different in any way. And so again they also must open their heart.

Whether you believe in karma or rebirth is actually of no relevance. Quite simply because if you want to experience bliss and love then you must open your heart to your whole experience.

On The Move

9/12/06

Doubt

Having been safe within the confines of Rishikesh and it's ashrams for almost as long as I have been on this trip, I now take to the road and leave. Arriving at Haridwar and then going to the railway station I get a stark reminder that I am actually in India. Crowds of people bustle about in the dim light, people sleep on the concourse, beggars drag themselves along the floor with their money bowl, a rat scurries past.

I'm writing this on a cold, empty train looking out across a misty landscape where figures wrapped in blankets emerge and slowly drift away, like lost souls.

I awoke a while ago shivering with a confused mind full of doubt as to what I'm doing. I think that people might actually be reading this blog and I squirm. My ego convulses my body in a mild fight and flight response that I am revealing the contents of my mind to all and sundry. But there is nowhere to hide. And I remind myself that it's good to open myself to this vulnerability and that I can always take refuge in the present moment. That these feelings are mere fleeting objects of mind in an eternal here and now.

Doubt is one of the Buddhists 5 hindrances. The others being the opposites of craving and aversion, restlessness and laziness. Doubt spurns confusion and fear. But while these states of mind seem negative, it's also important to reflect that without them there would be no faith, clarity and love to compare them to. Light needs dark, good requires bad. Just by trying to be with what is, here and now, is all you can do.

Faith

I arrive in Amritsar, the holy place for Sikhs (the ones are exempt from wearing crash helmets in the UK because they wear turbans). Sikhism is relatively new religion, formed in the sixteenth century by Guru Nanak. It combines Hinduism with Islam, believing in Reincarnation and One God.

and go to the Golden temple. I walk around the perimetre admiring at the shimmering building located in the centre of a pool of clear water. I stroll along the walkway towards the temple. I enter the building and am overcome with awe. There are instruments being played and songs being sung. The is gold glimmering. There are many people prostrating. There is much devotion.

I am drawn to sitting in a corner and I meditate. I find that while I have an immense pain in my upper back I cannot draw myself to leave, I just want to sit more and more. There is an intense feeling of love and loyalty to God.

I felt like this a couple of months ago when I went to see Amma, the hugging mother, who was visiting in London (www.amritapuri.org). Waiting for my turn to be hugged I sat in meditation facing the front of the hall for hours, capitulated by the atmosphere, entranced by the music. When I finally got my hug at 4 in the morning it had no profound effect on me. But it was the warmth and love that emanated the whole experience of the evening that affected me deeply.

Allured by Love

A golden jewel in the centre of clear perfection,
The temple resides,

A symbol of love,
Within wisdom,

Sweet music plays deep from inside,
Hearts that yearn are drawn to its source,
The blessings Love,

Like a snake to a charmer,
Blinkered to all else,
Their hearts remain captured,
To these symbols of Love.

Magnetised, hypnotised, seduced,
By Love.

Hypnotism

Religions often make good use of symbolism to draw people in. Great cathedrals evoke feelings of expansive awe, beautiful songs open the heart through their healing vibrations and words that point the way, powerful images of masters and sages, smells and scents draw people like nectar.

We can't help but influence people by our words, our body language, what we wear. It is inevitable that we are influenced at every step. Which is why we need to be careful. We need to always take a step back to ensure we are being urged towards 'unconditional' love, towards seeing with 'clarity'.

Conflict

As is all too evident throughout history and also in today's 'war on terrorism,' religion (and atheism) can profligate hatred, the very opposite of which it wishes to save us from. And the reason perhaps is though the use of hypnotic techniques which cause masses to form opinions contrary to the Truth that God is unconditioned and universal. That God is Love.

Peace

And so by using hypnotic language techniques to guide meditations it is my mission to help show the way. But it must be used responsibly and point only at that beyond changing forms, that beyond conflict. It is a useful tool which requires the repetition of the basic tenet to create peace with what is here and now. To let go of what was and may be. To find peace with all.

From Amritsar to Delhi and on to Udiapur

9/12/06

Plush train

This morning I left Amritsar on a deluxe train to Delhi, for a couple for hundred more rupees I can get to Delhi a little quicker and be served food in an air conditioned carriage. This give me the chance to rest in Delhi for a few hours before pressing on to Udiapur this evening.

An attendant hands me a copy of the Hindustan Times. I browse the pages... politics, economics, more politics... boring, boring... however did I get persuaded to study these subjects at University I do not know. It's a good job I also studied philosophy, as that's what kept me going...

I overhear a businessman with aristocratic English accent, mildly tainted with his Indian dialect. He's talking about how, 'developed countries have equal opportunities for women,' and how, 'India would do financially well to follow.' I think about how good it is that democracy has brought us equality in the west, but then I think about how it also brought capitalism, with its economic liberty that breeds greed and isolation.

I flick through a few more pages and come across a spiritual section. That's a good aspect of India, they have at least retained a page of their historical roots in their broadsheets. The articles are about the role of music in religion. There are a few quotes from famous people at the bottom, here are a few that struck my eye:

'Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here!' JK Rawling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

'Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.' Red Auerbach.

'It (music) is a gift of God. I place it next to theology. Satan hates music: he knows how it drives the evil spirit out of us.' Martin Luther.

'Without music, life is a journey through a desert.' Pat Conroy.

'Where words fail, music speaks.' Hans Christian Andersen.

I think about the poems that have come to me while writing this blog and the way in which I sometimes cringe that they may come across as a little pretentious. I feel I appreciate them a little more now.

I put the paper aside and my mind turns to the nature of awareness, God, that knowing. A not so unusual thought of mine.

I am the Light behind Awareness

Who am I?

I am not the body, for the body is subject to change. It is said that every atom that constitutes the body completely changes within seven years.

I am not the mind, the fleeting emotions of happiness and sadness and all shades between. Sometimes shy, sometimes confident, I am not emotions.

So who am I? Am I not awareness? No... for even awareness is constantly changing, from awake to slumber, conscious to asleep, all the time. No, I am not awareness.

Well who am I if I'm not awareness? Ok, I'll let you know who I am. I am instead the Light that shines upon. For the Light is always there, eternally here and now, waiting to shine through and illuminate. Waiting to be released from the prison of delusion that I am anything less. Waiting to be awoken in a burst of realisation, that I am the Light behind awareness.

Just as the Sun is always shining, even at night.
When the Earth revolves to face me,
Once again I illuminate it with my Light.

Through awareness I am like a chameleon. Constantly changing my form as I dance with life. When I shine upon the body I become the body. For a moment I am the feet, the next in the belly, then the face. And as I awaken to the wisdom of who I truly am I evoke blissful shivers through the body in acknowledgement that I am the Light that shines behind awareness.

When I shine upon the sounds outside, I become the sounds. For a moment I am a bird, a car, the sounds all around. I can also become the contents of this room, when I shine my light upon a chair I become that chair. For a moment I become a window to see clearly that I am changing each moment, dancing with life. I am a tree or a person outside when I touch them with my Light. Wherever I shine, I become that object of awareness, and then move on once more.

When I shine upon a thought I become that thought. For a moment I am that child who was hurt, the next I am a future fantasy that may or may not come true. I am the expressions of happy, of sad.

But guess what, as the Light that shines behind awareness, I have great power. Don't underestimate my power. For I am He (or She) who shines through, upon each and everyone. When I awaken I have the power to heal, with my infinite Love.

Shine the Light behind awareness on the body and notice the tension just drift away. Shine the Light behind awareness on the sounds and notice how the rhythms of life can create silence in the mind. Shine the Light behind awareness on all that is seen, intimately touching other beings with Divine Light, allows the heart to open. For I reside in the heart and wisdom points this way. I reside in the heart of all, waiting to shine so brightly, when you fully acknowledge that I am the Light behind awareness.

From Delhi to Udiapur

I sit on the train by the window, opposite a girl in western clothing. There is also a more traditional family in our section. There's something quite seductive about the westernised girl. I try not to look at her too much which is quite hard as the window is dirty so I can't stare at the views outside. She is sat next to grandma sari (traditional Indian clothing) who doesn't seem impressed with her long black coat and boots, and henna (temporary tattoos) covered hands. She seems unaffected and in a soft, complaisant way continues to make faces and wave at baby sari. She's not really my type, but somehow I'm drawn to her gentle, uninhibited nature.

I would usually go for hippie chics with a passion (driven not angry) to make positive change in the world, or fiery indie birds who like to flirt and banter. I don't really have a specific type when it comes to guys. You see I'd say I'm 60-70% gay... life can be complicated.

I arrive at Udiapur and no sooner than I get into my room do I dash to the toilet. My stomach tells me I ate something bad on the train and spend the rest of the day shivering with a banging headache dashing to the bathroom at regular intervals.

Maybe I should heed this as a sign, I always seem to get ill in Rajasthan. It's not spiritual here and instead is full of palaces with war toys and rip-off merchants trying to con you at every turn. Ten years ago, when I was 18 and traveling with a friend, I was in Jaipur and on this particular day my friend decided to stay in the hotel, but I was keen to see some sights. So for the first time on the trip I ventured off around a city, alone. The rickshaw driver obviously picked up on my youthful uncertainty and I was paraded around shops and warehouses on route to every palace. Manipulated and tricked at every turn I ended up going back to the hotel a nervous wreck carrying a tiny rug I had paid ten pounds for. You have to learn fast in Indian how to assert yourself.

On my last trip I went to Jaisalmer on a camel safari. It was in April and the sun beat down relentlessly. I had tummy trouble then too, and straddling myself over a swaying camel was not the best thing to be doing. In fact it was hell and I vowed never to get on a camel again. I remember trying to be in the 'here and now, with my experience.' It didn't work. I spent the next week in bed getting weaker and until I couldn't eat anymore. When I finally submitted and went to the doctor to take antibiotics I was well again within 12 hours. I now go to the doctor in India at the first sign of anything dodgy happening to my health.

So now I'm on the antibiotics again. This morning I did some kind of instinctual reiki/chi gong healing with a few yoga positions thrown in for good measure. I started off feeling poisoned and after an hour felt cleansed. It really works. I sense the energies flowing around which helps evoke the gases to be dispelled. I feel much better now, but will take things slowly today...

The spotlight

I feel now that I'd like to explain a little more about hypnotherapy. It's often a misunderstood phenomena shrouded in mystery, but it's really it's just guided meditation.

I often explain to clients that awareness is a bit like a spotlight. It moves around illuminating different parts of the mind. Sometimes it hones in and at other times it illuminates the whole stage. And in this way hypnosis can direct the spotlight to enable healing to take place.

New Age Con

Many new age therapies hold back their secrets in order to charge excessive amounts of money for their 'change your life forever' healing tools. This is based on greed. Spiritually evolved beings will charge much less, or ask for donation, making it available to all. This means their services come from their heart and are far more valuable.

We must be wary of the new age industry. We must remember that Ultimate healing comes through self realisation, and thus the manipulation of energies and so forth is only useful to keep the body and mind in balance. I have witnessed too many people obsessed by their 'spiritual' experiences which leads to big ego's and thus a decline in their spiritual development. True happiness is free from ego and the ignorance which obscures us from Truth.

An example is that while it's a great thing that a doctor can fix a leg, it's not much use if the person is still depressed. Contemplation on being, with the aim towards truly 'waking up' and becoming 'self-aware' is the only way to true happiness.

Language Techniques

So with that in mind I would like to share with you a few language techniques which can be used to direct awareness towards healing. I would urge you to read the whole of this blog and to contemplate your intention behind using these skills before choosing to help another. It is of utmost importance that it is done with an open heart.

The method I use was coined 'indirect' by Milton Erickson as the client is left open to explore their own experience rather than be ushered towards the therapists ideals of what they think needs to be done to heal. This is done by giving choices, and by keeping the language less specific.

Embedded commands

Placing statements inside sentences leads a person to this state.

'And I'm sure you'd like to feel a little more relaxed, or maybe you'd simply like to let go in some other way that allows your mind to feel free and at peace.'

'While you feel rested in that special place, you can be curious about what it is about the colours and shapes that allow you to feel so good about yourself and even have the potential to evoke blissful sensations of tranquility throughout that body of yours.'

Try to avoid double negatives (eg, I'm sure you don't want to feel tense).

Tenses

Always phrase problems in the past and positive statements in the present.

'What did it feel like when you had those panic attacks? What does it feel like when you are calm?'

Presuppose exceptions by avoiding yes/no questions.

'Tell me about the times when you shock yourself at how relaxed you can be in those kind of situations, when before you were nervous.'

Confusion

Trick the mind to overcome resistance through over analysing, so that it can become still and open.

"It sometimes seems like a struggle to stop struggling but just by choosing to either control letting go a little or maybe better still to let go of trying to control so much you can find that that part of your mind which is apart from the part which is open and free can begin to release itself and feel peaceful.'

Rapport

Getting a client to feel comfortable is very important if you want to reduce resistance and increase trust. They will be far more likely to let go and enter into deeper states. Rapport building involves copying body language, the way someone speaks, their choice of words, and so on. It's something we do naturally anyway, but it's good to be aware of the ways in which you can try to get on the clients wave length. Active listening by trying to be completely present with what the client is saying, giving them space to fully express themselves is vital, rather than preempting what you think they may be saying.

A good language technique to use when you first meet someone, before inducing relaxation and at any time you feel that rapport may be wavering is called the 'yes set.' By asking questions which you know they will agree with relaxes them and forms a connection between the two of you.

'Nice weather we've been having recently, haven't we?'
'It's not easy to park round here, is it?'
'You came here straight from work, didn't you?'

And before the hypnotic induction it's a good time to confirm objectives while peppering your language with embedded commands.

'So, just to confirm, you'd like to feel calm and relaxed when you next see that person?'
'And you want to be able to release some of the stress in your body when you're in similar situations'
'So that you can begin to feel freer in your life much more of the time?'

12/12/06

I'm Still Here and Now

I'm sitting on a rooftop restaurant overlooking the lake where James Bond plunged into the water of Udaipur's Island palace in Octopusy. I feel almost completely better now as the mid-day sun warms. And so just as an act of grace I remember 'I'm still here and now!'

Travelling about, getting ill, recovering, it's easy to forget when the mind gets caught up in this and that. I almost have to pinch myself at the sheer wonderment of this Truth. Nothing, except a few objects of mind, has changed. I am always here and now.

Repeating the words 'I'm always here and now' really has the potency to awaken the senses in awe. To the movement of miracles in the eternal here, in the eternal now. It's so simple.

So Complex and yet so Simple

You have to laugh at the complexities the mind entangles itself in, all stemming from the delusion that there is any kind of fixed or permanent self in an ever changing Universe.

You have to chuckle at the absurdities of the minds worries, all the result of attachment, of fear to let go and trust in Truth.

It's a miracle to be here, flowing with life. Peel away the layers of complexity to discover the straightforward Truth that,

Just experiencing,

Without grasping,

Is the simplest, yet most profound way to be.

13/12/06

Life's a metaphor when you lose yourself in a dream

I've unconsciously been reminded of home here in Udiapur for the last day or so. First there was the clock tower I wandered past on route to the post office yesterday. On a boat trip last night there was a exquisite hotel reminiscent of the Brighton Pavilion, hardly a shock though seeing as the Pavilion is modelled on Indian architecture. This morning I took a rickshaw out of town as I felt like a walk in nature. Reaching the top of a hill I looked out across at a view that looked strangely familiar to that from Devil's Dyke on the south downs.

But of course one can often experience glimpses of familiarity and so I didn't really take much notice. Until today when wondering aimlessly once more I ended up walking through an archway into a garden. Every last detail from the sun bleached grass to the bed of bushes and flowers around the perimetre with a fountain in the middle made it impossible for me not to be transported instantly back to an English summer as I rested back in a wicker chair.

I heard echo's of a relative on a family do announcing home-made lemonade and cafe was ready. And half imagined a cousin to come running along eagerly looking for someone to join them at bat and ball. Such was the dream like quality in my mind that had Alice appeared looking for the madhatter I wouldn't have been shocked.

After sitting in the silence for a while, soaking up the warmth of the sun on this mid Decembers day, I wandered back through the archway. Down a path and once again emerged on a busy Indian street confronted by a cow chewing some rubbish and an onslaught of rickshaws honking their horns.

A second later an elephant wandered past.

After sitting for a while at a quiet spot by the lake I began to slowly stroll back home. An Indian whispered 'opium' in my ear. 'Such a shame,' I thought, 'if only they knew the superiority of pure bliss .... I don't even drink caffeine.'

14/12/06

The Past is History

It's my last day in Udiapur and I decide that maybe I will take a look in the Palace. Tour guides amuck with groups of tourists huddled together, I scoff.

I walk into a grand courtyard, my mind stills a little. Up some steps, through a corridor and into an assortment of rooms. Some glimmering with mosaics, others plain with pictures of royalty. I become oblivious to the swarms of people who listen intently to historic dates of people and events that they will forget within the hour. I'm too busy basking in the images of the present.

As I wander up and down corridors, entering rooms and courtyards, the images of my mind continue to change form in a kaleidoscope of colour. My body disappears as I float on.

I catch myself stuck on a thought and awaken again to this psychedelic experience as I peer through a window like that out of a yellow submarine. I wander on.

Dozing once more a shiver of bliss resonates through my body as I become conscious again and notice a fountain as the sound of water echo's in my ears.

Stillness.

Tip, top, tip, tap, feet walk on a marble floor.

Clarity.

An opening through a door reveals a room full of mirrors.

Calm.

The clatter of a French group shuffling past.

Peace. I leave the Palace none the wiser of it's history. But that's all past.

Reading to Inspire

I haven't opened a book for a month or so. I haven't felt I needed inspiration, life has been teaching me.

I was never very good at reading at school. I was in a special class for a while. I tend to read very slowly. A book that takes others a few days usually takes me a month or so. I read as if I were speaking the words.

I'm not one for retaining trivia, and avoid pub quizzes like the plaugue. It's a good job for me that wisdom only reveals itself when we let go of the intellect.

In Zen they call it 'beginners mind.' A simple mind, free from the burdens of pompously drawing on facts and knowledge. A bright and curios mind full of intruige, free from the pretentions of being superior in any way.

I thought I'd try read something again. So I started a book yesterday by Thich Naht Hanh (a Vietnamese monk who now lives in France http://www.plumvillage.org/). It's a lengthy volume called 'Old Path, White Clouds,' and traces the life of the Buddha. After the first chapter I felt so calm I meditated for half an hour. It's written as if for a child.

Last words before some silence

I return to Delhi. Tomorrow my dad will visit and I will spend some time with him visiting the Taj Mahal, Varanasi and then up to Sikkim to do some trekking over Christmas and the New Year. After that I will go to Bodhgaya (where the Buddha became enlightened 2,500 years ago) and sit a vipassana - 3/4 weeks in silence, meditating. No reading, no writing, no contact with the world. Just sitting and walking all day, trying to be present. And to be honest while writing this blog has been great to share my thoughts with others, I'm looking forward to stopping thinking for a while, in order to go deeper.

Death

I was just chatting to a friend online an hour ago, on messenger. He recently became aware that he is HIV positive. At first he was devastated. However, after some deep thought he began to ask some serious questions about where his life is going. He urged me to keep writing as this blog has addressed some of those questions. I told him I would, but it won't be until February, when I will start Andy's Indian Journey Part 2!

When meditating we often use the breath as an anchor for awareness. Each breath is different, each is unique. We pay attention to the start of the breath, the middle, and then the end of the breath. A small example of the fact that all things start, last for a while, and then end. This leads us realise one of the Buddhists key teachings - the law of impermanence. Life is very fragile in that way.

In Hinduism this it taught in a slightly different way. It is represented as three aspects of God:
Brahman (the creator)
Vishnu (the sustainer)
Shiva (the destroyer)

And so this period of writing started, lasted a while and now comes to an end.

Reflecting on death is important. It's a bit of a taboo in the west, but the Tibetans spend hours meditating on it in order to overcome fear of it and pass away peacefully. It isn't intended to be morbid, but instead helps us to appreciate what's here and now and spend so much time falling over our feet thinking about a future that never arrives. The present is fresh and alive, planning and fantasising is boring and dull. If there's one thing in life that's certain - I, you, all of us, will die. If there's one thing in life that's uncertain - it's when. Maybe it'll be in many years, maybe it'll be tomorrow.

So let the fire burn brightly!

Just like a small flame needs small fuel, a twig or small branches,
Small awareness needs a small focus for awareness - the breath.
But when the fire begins to burn, add bigger fuel, a log, a tree!
And open awareness out to All and enjoy!!

That's meditation.

More about the Breath

Last night I was waiting to leave Udiapur and my mind was racing about, a little stressed from this or that. I couldn't make myself present. So I used the breath. I soon became still again and resumed my love for God's creation all around.

If out of balance the breath is your best friend. Deep breaths in and long, slow breaths out. That helps with restlessness. If dull on the other hand, focus on breathing prana (life's energy) into the body. Breath in to the tips of your fingers and toes.

Balancing the Gunas

In Indian philosophy there are three forces at work in nature; tamas, rajas and sattva. Tamas is heavy, lazy, and is highly unconscious. Rajas is active, anxious and always seeking a goal. Sattva is intelligent, virtuous, luminous and unites things together in harmony.

If someone is heavily dominated by tamas then they need to be lifted out of their physical slumber and depression by being active. This leads them on the rajas, which is where the majority of people in today's rat-race reside. If someone is heavily dominated by rajas then they may have vitality and enjoy pleasures in life, but their passion often leads to distress. And so in order to be truly happy it is important to move finally to sattva. This is achieved by leaving personal problems behind and opening up to others. It also involves deep contemplation of God, or the nature of knowing, to awaken consciousness. This is the ultimate way to harmony and balance.

Trust and be Guided

When packing my bag yesterday I reached into the pocket of a bag and felt a small, shiny, oval object in my hand. I wondered what it was as somehow I sensed it had a strong, energetic power. I pulled it out and saw it was made of clear glass with a white angel inside. A friend gave it to me before I came away and said it was to protect me and help guide me on my way.

I don't expect you to believe me in these kind of matters. Just be open to the possibility.

Bumping into the right people

A couple of days ago in Udiapur I bumped into the Israeli girl I helped to meditate in Rishikesh. She was quite anxious back then and I wondered how she was doing. She seemed much happier to be joined with her boyfriend now and she advised me on where to go in Sikkim as they had just been.

On the same day I bumped into the Israel boy who enjoyed my meditations in Phool Chatti. I was glad to see him as we never really chatted much before. We had dinner together and I helped him with some confusions he had with the dharma. Simple things like not to disassociate from the problem and 'watch it' from afar, as that's dualistic. But instead watching it means being with the experience, and not judging it to be good or bad.

They're the only two people from Rishikesh I bumped into in Amritsar and Udiapur. And they were the only two that I felt I most needed to.

Coincidence?

Stopping Thinking

Thinking is extremely valuable. We need to be able to communicate. We need to draw on the past for experience and to plan our lives in the future. We just do it too much.

And so during this period of silence I hope to go deeper into my being. I need this rest to allow the divine to shine all the more brightly in my heart. In that way I will be able to share all the more. To help others.

My Goal

At the moment I still aspire to make a positive impact on the world,

And maybe that'll always be the case,

But I wonder though if I need to let that dream go,

And simply aspire to be, and to share,

So that if confronted by a skeptic who proclaims:

'Who do you think you are!'

I can peacefully reply, 'I don't profess to be anyone special,

I simply profess to be.'

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Next chapter http://andysindianjourney2.blogspot.com/